The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Remake - A Bittersweet Homecoming

April 23, 2025 - First Impressions

Let me start with a confession: When Bethesda first announced the Oblivion Remake, I rolled my eyes harder than a Dark Brotherhood assassin eyeing a jester. But when it shadow-dropped yesterday? My inner teenager practically body-slammed the "Buy Deluxe Edition" button. Twelve hours and three energy drinks later, I've got thoughts - the kind you need before dropping $70 on this nostalgia trip.

The Good Stuff (Let's Get This Party Started)

Holy Sithis, they've finally done it! The Unreal Engine 5 glow-up turns Cyrodiil into a living Renaissance painting. We're talking:

• Textures that make mudcrabs look like Michelin-starred seafood
• Particle effects that'll have you staring at torch smoke like it's modern art
• Lighting that makes the Gold Coast actually look golden

It's everything we modders tried (and failed) to achieve through decades of ENB presets and texture packs. The Imperial City's White-Gold Tower now genuinely looks like the seat of an empire, not a plastic model dunked in gold spray paint.

For newcomers:

This 200-years-before-Skyrim story drops you in Tamriel's heartland. Cyrodiil's diversity puts later games to shame - from the snow-dusted Jerall Mountains (hello, future Skyrim border!) to the alien swamps bordering Black Marsh. The environmental storytelling alone could fuel a dozen lore YouTubers.

The Ugly Truth (Buckle Up, Buttercup)

Here's where my rose-tinted glasses cracked. Beneath the shiny UE5 veneer beats the same janky 2006 heart. Let's break down the pain:

Combat Chronicles

The "improved" combat? Imagine two drunks swordfighting with pool noodles. Yes, it's better than original Oblivion's wet noodle whacking... by about 5%. Enemy AI's either brain-dead or terminally persistent - I had a wolf chase me from Chorrol to Kvatch.

Quality-of-Death Features

• Sitting mechanic straight out of a DOS game (press N1 to stand? Seriously?)
• Stealing system that turns conversations into accidental crime sprees
• Loading screens for cities? In 2025? Even modders fixed this a decade ago!

That One Godawful Bug

The Kvatch siege mission broke harder than a Nirnroot addict. Captain Savlian Matius decided retirement starts mid-battle, leaving me to solo a Daedric invasion. The fix? Murder-hoboing through Castle Kvatch alone. Classic Bethesda.

Performance Check

Running this on a i9-14900K/RTX 5090D beast:

• 50-60 FPS in wilderness (ultra settings)
• Drops to 40s in cities

Your potato PC might actually cry.

The Modder's Silver Lining

Here's the kicker - this janky foundation could birth the greatest modding era since Skyrim. Once the Creation Kit drops, expect:

• Proper city overhauls
• NSFW mods (you know which ones)
• Actual combat systems

But Bethesda... maybe finish your own game first?

Verdict: Wait for Sale (Or Modders)

At $70, this feels like paying caviar prices for slightly fancier cheese wheels. It's Oblivion - warts, nostalgia, and all - wearing a Gucci belt.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to explain to my boss why I "caught flu" tomorrow. That Ayleid ruin ain't gonna loot itself.